THE INDIVIDUAL
What does the individual mean to the world, to you?
Tell me, what does the individual
Mean to the individual,
Can you tell me that?
I remember a man
Who used to walk around his neighborhood,
Smoking a pipe,
Carrying two loaded guns with extra clips
And lips that never move,
This man hated himself,
Was full of anger and rage,
Gained pleasure by making others bleed
Piercing into their flesh, WHY?
Because he liked the sound that it made,
Because it turned him on,
It turned him on
To hear people screaming for their lives,
Because in some ways it was better than sex,
It was the emotions he saw
Pouring out of people that he was addicted to,
He liked seeing emotions he couldn’t feel,
After some time
Seeing those emotions was no longer enough,
He had to feel those emotions,
Experience them for himself,
He wanted to feel happy,
Fear death,
To love,
But most importantly he wanted to be loved,
So he set out on a mission
To become another person,
To become that
Ideal
Socially accepted
Liked person,
He started by changing his reputation,
He no longer wanted to be the man all feared,
He stopped
His evil ways
Stopped
His criminal actions,
Stopped
Smoking his pipe
Stopped
Carrying his guns
And stopped
Stabbing into people’s flesh,
No,
He pierced into their minds
With his intellect
And into their hearts
With his kind actions
And newly found giving nature
He acted like he cared
He started to care
Started
To fell sympathy
Started
To feel compassion
Learned to love,
He started
To feel alive,
This man who could not wait to die
Started to feel alive
Started to fear death
Because he knew if he died
He would not be able
To feel these wonderful emotions
He started to be happy
And now all he wanted
Was to be loved by someone special,
But there stood the brick wall,
Because no one special came,
Sure he met some amazing girls,
But none loved him back,
He drove 90mph into a brick wall,
And he started to hurt,
He exposed himself inside out,
Only to get punched in the face
Stabbed in the guts
And kicked in the nuts
But no pain can equal that of a heart
Exploding from the inside,
He knew it would be hard to change,
As nice as he was now,
Everyone still saw him as
A criminal,
The weird guy,
One crazy bastard,
Then that man thought to himself,
It’s fucked up,
But now he knew he would have to become
The man he once was again,
He had to
Give the people what they want,
He had to
Go back to
Smoking his pipe
Go back to
Carrying his guns
Go back to
Being angry
Ready to kill at any moment,
Because that’s what he was trained for,
And tragically,
He had to once again be unhappy
Waiting for death
But you know what’s the most fucked up part of this story?
I’m THAT MAN!
Asking you
What do I mean to the world?
What do I mean to you?
What do I mean to myself?
INTRO?
This is a short story about, no wait, a collection of poems about things that have happened in my past with references to my upbringing and how that has, I’m drunk, and still is shaping my character. I don’t really expect much of this to be understood because I don’t understand it myself. I as a person am looking for meaning, or better yet a reason to live. And if I don’t find that meaning I expect to die. But as I go through this search for meaning I have been altered as a person and I wonder if that has altered the minds around me.
THAT KIND OF MAN
The blind man told the Devil to shut the fuck up,
The Devil told the blind man,
“Hey look at that!”
It’s amazing how easily you can piss someone off,
All you have to do is poke at their flaws
The Devil decided to fuck with the blind man some more,
He said to the blind man,
“Hey watch me do this!”
The blind man said
He wished he could stab the Devil in the face,
The Devil said,
“Hey weren’t you watching?
I already did”
Now what kind of man
Would stab himself in the face?
I’ll tell you,
One who has nothing to lose.
JUMPSTART 03′
I started my new year’s eve as always, drunk! I woke at 5:30am and ate a hearty breakfast of steak and eggs with a nice tall mug of vodka and orange juice. I was feeling pretty good. By 12:00 pm I was prancing in a liquor-ish heaven. Hey! I was feeling pretty good. An hour later I showered and got dressed. By 7:00pm I was at a party sitting by myself watching my friends dancing, laughing and enjoying themselves. I was jealous. At 10:15pm I stepped outside to do a little smoking. I know, I know, it’s a bad habit. But hey, what you going to do, you know. I took off the wrapper and as I started smoking my first cigarette I thought about, well, I thought about myself actually. See, about a few years back I decided to become a better person and although I have friends now I feel as if I’ve made little progress. Actually I’ve made a lot of progress but I was just missing something. At 11:55pm my friend came out and brought me a bottle of wine, just in time because I was on my last cigarette. He told me to hurry up so I could join them in the countdown. I told him I’d be there eventually. Before I went inside I noticed that my car was parked across the street. That’s funny, I don’t remember driving here.
HANGOVERS SUCK!
I am the physical frame of embodied pain
Stained with shame same guilty pleasures
Two waters in a rain
I came to this world as a saint
But visible paint
Brought me less faith
And even more hate
They view me as a pagan
When they ritually feed on each other
In respect to Satan
Tell me, what should I name them?
Come on! Even cruel cannibals have limitations
Patience has become a forgotten virtue
Aggravations with this nation
Give me reasons to hurt you
As new thoughts burn through
A dying carcass
But should you care if I die
If you consider me heartless
When I confess I once made ends
By crossing names off a list
Balling fist and shattering hopes,
I’m no pope!
I’ve made many mistakes
As this world is filled with dopes
With the old ropes I tied myself a noose
I’d hang myself for this world
But what would be the use
Abuse is self-induced
By those who want to be amused
Laughing at themselves
Blood fills a mind bruised
Infused with scared emotions
And lost devoting drifting off in oceans
I ease the burn with lotions
Drown the pain with potions
Motions cause impulses
We forget to smell the roses
CRAZY THOUGHTS
I sat and pondered about things
Events, memories
Repressed urges
Those,
Sparks without voltage
I thought of time and beginnings
Ends of nothing
Nothing becoming a child
A child becoming a monster
Then,
I thought of innocence…
1ST INNOCENCE
God said I was innocent
After I kicked him in the ass
And told him he’s not real
I was innocent
When I stabbed that man
And didn’t feel guilty about it
He was innocent
Before I stabbed him
But now he’s dead
He can never be innocent again
A dog is innocent
When he licks his own balls
He’s just trying to clean himself up
As a child
I had a wonderful upbringing
Full of self-induced intoxications
Backed by heightened levels of beatings
Conditioned to believe
That murder is a good thing
Then when I was six
I found out
You could go to jail for killing
Rambo and those other TV shows were a lie
And then I lost my innocents
My belief of what was
True and Pure
Evaporated
But would solidify
With new perceptions of purity
And would evaporate
And would solidify
Drinking’s not good for you
But it’s ok when you’re 21
Watching people have sex
Is a NO-NO
Until you’re 18
Because then
You can watch your porn flick
And have a cigarette with it
But now
You can’t kiss all the girls
Like you did in kindergarten
JUST BULLSHIT
It’s bullshit!
The way we kill for a dollar
It’s bullshit!
The way we make sweet things turn sour
It’s bullshit!
The way we trade our souls in for guns
It’s bullshit!
Load the nine, cock, squeeze and run
It’s bullshit!
The flower can’t grow a single bud
It’s bullshit!
We rather grow weed than grow love
It’s bullshit!
We rather waste money on the waste
It’s bullshit!
Media creates hunger with a taste
It’s bullshit!
The way some live without a cause
It’s bullshit!
To think we won when we really lost
It’s bullshit!
When the shining lights go out
It’s bullshit!
When no food reaches a starving mouth
It’s bullshit!
We rather kick off wars than save nature
It’s bullshit!
When you spread the love and everyone hates you
It’s bullshit!
When all of this only scratches the surface
It’s bullshit!
To think that you’ve already heard this
Your deaf and don’t know
That that is what your curse is
7 KILLERS
Blind caused blindness
Deaf stole people’s ears
Slowness retarded life
Fright gave man fears
Crazy caused craziness
Lazy caused laziness
Then failure
Turned man’s dreams into tears
PUT ON A HAPPY FACE (SLOWLY LOSING IT)
Just put on a happy face!
KILL PEOPLE,
MUTILATE THEIR BODIES,
NO!
Blow things up,
Play with chemicals,
Burn things,
Start fires,
WHY?
You gotta do-
YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING!
COME ON,
LET’S GO ON A MURDEROUS RAMPAGE,
AND CALL IT,
A CRUSADE FOR HUMANITY,
Come on,
Let’s go on a,
Explosive expedition,
And say,
That hell has risen,
But I don’t want to be the messenger!
Hey, how about you,
Bang your head against the wall,
Beat yourself with bats,
Prick yourself with needles,
WHY?
Why not?
SHOOT PEOPLE,
Burn cars,
Sever a limb,
NO!
MUTILATION TO THE NATION,
Fire looks cool,
Just bleed yourself dude,
COME ON KILL,
Come on destroy,
Come on,
You know you want to,
BANG, BANG, BANG,
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM,
BLEED, BLEED, BLEED,
CRY BITCH, CRY!
Just put on a happy face!
Just put on a happy face!
HAPPINESS W/HEAVEN
I met someone. Someone that could possible rid me of all this darkness that is built up inside me. There’s not much I can say except that, I can’t get this smile off my face.
WHEN HEAVEN COMES TO LIFE
She said she was a dork in her first year of high school
And I liked her because of that
Because she was herself,
Because she was real,
All my life
I have been plagued by darkness
By storms of violence
Raining blood and tears
Thundering events that
Still rumble through time
And lightning
That still strikes me
But worst of all
I have been plagued
By crazy women
Who dare not love,
Or appreciate me
Women who have literally
Stabbed me in the back
And made attempts on my life
I always had this vision
Of what I thought
Would be the perfect woman
She would have these eyes
That every time you looked into
Would seem like
The most beautiful paradise in the world
She would have this smile
That would
Remind you of a sunrise
She would have this spirit
That was so alive and lovely
That it would remind me of an angel
She would be my vision of heaven
She would be my heaven
And for me
Life without heaven is hell
And for years now
I’ve been in hell
Scared that heaven may never exist
But then I realized
She sat across from me
In the same room
And I see that she is
Heavenly,
Lovely,
My dear…
Maybe everything gets annoying now,
Maybe I’m saying too much
I think I found my heaven,
I think I’ve found happiness
HAW, HAW!
I knew it was too good to be true. She said that she wanted to get into my head, and into my heart. Why did she say that if she was going to walk away? It’s fucked up when you have to watch all your happiness pick up and leave. I feel more confused and empty than ever before. Even my writing is lacking. I care less and all I want to do is smoke my pipe. I wonder what God is doing.
GOD’S FUNNY
God like to wear a Devil suit
And every now and then
God likes to make fun of blind people
God likes to laugh
God also likes to kick me in the ass
Slap me
When I’m not looking
Trip me
When I’m running
God likes the way I fall on my face
God also loves to tease me
Throw things in front of me
And say,
“You can’t have this!”
Making me want it even more
Stomping feet
God calls me Mr. Grumpy pants
God like to laugh at me
At least I can make God happy
WELCOME TO DARKNESS
As the smoke rises
Life is blocked out
Light falters
The shadows awaken
Existence yields
It thinks…
If you are blood,
Can you bleed?
If you are a tear,
Can you cry?
If you are a book,
Can you read?
If you are dead,
Can you die?
Yes!
Yes you can!
You see
Everyone is blood
Everyone is,
Was,
Created from someone
Someone before them,
Blood of blood,
Blood to blood,
Bad blood, good blood,
All blood bleeds,
Bleeding,
Is what blood does…
And in the mist
Of the clouded atmosphere
Leaked wine
From a flesh container
The wine,
Wants to run away
And the container,
Wants it to,
Wants it to,
Enjoy the darkness
PONDER YET AGAIN
Who am I?
The individual,
The reject of society,
The unemotional killer,
Torturer of those with emotion
The one they can’t see as normal
Or am I
The lunatic
Mr. Multi-persona
The three characters
Boxing in my head
Fighting
To gain control over the others
Or am I
The bitter human being
Pissed off because
He can’t find a love of his own
The guy angry with God
Blaming God for everything
Tired of existence
Tired of not existing
Who am I?
I don’t know,
I don’t know,
I don’t know…
At the end of this voyage a man saw in himself the darkness that existed and within that darkness lived a hidden obsession to be loved. That obsession which will live with him to the end of his days sadly may never be fulfilled. And that man realizes that. He will live on only to suffer for a passion he feels is worth the torture of an eternity.
BY OSCAR TORRES LEON
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